In Filipino culture, it is said that moths represent the souls of loved ones that have departed from our lives. I don’t even remember when I first learned about moths and its’ connection to the afterlife. I’ve always thought of how ridiculous that superstition was, but my silence during these encounters speaks louder than what I could ever describe.

On the 28th anniversary of the passing of my father’s mother, I stood in darkness as I noticed a moth resting against the outside of my living room window. It made me wonder, is that my grandmother visiting? Sounds insane even typing this. As I stood frozen in fear from overthinking about Filipino folklore, I was drowning in endless thoughts of what signs this could be tied to. Maybe it was her subtly saying hello.

I was her first grandchild and it continuously pains me that I have no distinct memory of her other than old photographs from the ‘90s. As time passes, I yearn to know more. What was she like? What made her smile? How did she feel when she realized she would be a first time grandmother? What was running through her mind during her last hours of life?

There are some days where I wonder how different it would be if she was still alive today. Where would she be living at? Would we be close? Would I lie to make her happy or would I trust that she would accept all my faults? Would she laugh at all of the adventures I have gotten myself into? Would she be proud of the woman I had grown into?

So many unknowns and so many could have beens. One thing is for certain: She loved me with all that she had and knowing that will be just enough.

As for the moth? I didn’t see it the next morning before I left for work. Maybe it was a moth just drawn to the dim living room light during the Seattle winter darkness. Or maybe it was my late grandmother letting me know she was thinking of me.

Love, T.